WHY YOUR PARTNER LIES TO YOU
DOES YOUR PARTNER LIE TO YOU?
There are two types of lies in relations. Both destroy your relationships and your peace of mind.
Lets take a closer look at this two types:
First one is: LYING TO YOUR PARTNER
Many people imagine relationships like some kind of game, in which you have to win over your partner. Who wins in an argument, who makes the other one to apologise, who made the other one jealous, etc, gets a point. Do you recognise the game? I think many do!
“You forbid me to go out with my girls for shopping?, ok wait until you will want to go out with your boys for beer, I will get the point then”
This is the kind of relationships in which you are not being honest with your partner. You lie about your feelings and intentions. You only try to get a score! So it means your partner is a team number 1 and you are a team number 2. It means you are opponents. WRONG WAY!!!
To create perfect relationships you have to play in one team!
When I was in a lying relationships it was an endless tense and stress. I had to always think what to say and how to act. Once I expressed my feelings ,in any good way, I felt weak. I felt I lost a score to him.
But when you are in perfect relationships and you are one team you dont feel that way. You feel relaxed and satisfied. You can express your feelings any time you feel like doing so. Just a random kiss or a compliment, just to grab his\her hand first and not wait until she\he grabs your hand because otherwise you will lose this round. You dont have to ever LIE! You can say the truth and show truthful feelings! How amazing is that?
Unless you feel happier in non perfect relationships?
Second type of lies: LYING TO YOURSELF!!!
Usually it happens when you are in toxic relationships!
Let me draw you a picture:
You think your relationships are ok. Not perfect but well, who has anything perfect in their lives?
Every day you are having a strong feeling that something is not right. Your partner has some kind of secret life he\she does not want to share with you. You keep asking him\her questions, that you feel your partner particularly lies about but the answer does not seem to satisfy you much. Or maybe your partner avoids to answer it? So somewhere on this level you start lying to yourself. You are making up some lame excuses for your “liar” partner and those excuses work just perfect for you to stay in this relationships. Of course later another lie will come up, you will try to find a logical explanation to this one as well.
The ironic thing is that your liar partner sees what you are doing and understands that you are trying to justify him\her every time so he\she no longer values your relationships. They start to have a feeling that you will never leave no matter what they do and they begin to probe the boundaries of what is permitted.
Deep inside you understand what is going on but you dont want to let this thought into your sanity. So eventually such relationships can end:
A. Because your partner finds someone else and got bored from your acceptance of every lie he or she made. Or
B. Someone finally had a strong influence on you and you began to believe that you deserve something better.
One thing is for sure! Lies destroy relationships!! And It does not matter either you lie to yourself or you lie to your partner, it will end your relationships one way or another.
How to solve this problem:
Its easier to see if you are in one team when relationships just begin. Carefully say about your feelings. Dont put too much at once on your partner, just one expression of your feelings a day, unless you see its ok to show more.
Try asking about some personal things, like childhood, parents, school time.
If you see some disturbing messages dont start making up excuses. Your inner alarm never lets you down. Trust it! If you have a feeling that something is wrong, dont hesitate!! Ask your partner a direct question about what’s disturbing you and if you dont like the answer try ending this relationships until you get too attached.
You know, while not experienced, I used to lie a lot to my bf. I was 18 and it was my first serious relationships. I dont even know why I have been lying but it was like a reflex. I had no idea why I was doing it but I felt like I could not be different. Every time my lies were reviled I felt very much ashamed and there was a huge argument. Until one day I realised that saying the truth is not that bad. I tried to find a reason why I lie and why the truth seem so terrible to me and I understood that the truth is not that bad. I started practicing saying the truth all the time no matter what and I liked it!! Now saying the truth is my reflex and it makes my marriage great! I am always honest with my husband and we, literally, NEVER having arguments! Of course he is also always honest with me.